Social Anxiety, Dating, And The Bar Scene
An obvious way to meet other singles is the bar scene. Well, unless you suffer from social anxiety, that is. Personally, I shy away from singles bars because my anxiety completely overwhelms me. And Im not talking about just a little here – its full-fledged panic.
Dont get me wrong, Im sure its effective if you have the right personality and approach it in a positive way. In fact, you could do quite well due to sheer numbers.
Unfortunately, unless you have something going for you (looks, confidence, winning personality), theres not much chance that youll meet anyone. Competition is fierce and if you cant make the first move or somehow draw attention to yourself, youll just settle into the background as an observer and nothing more.
Note: Im obviously writing this from a guys perspective.
Though I havent been to a singles bar in years, Im sure little has changed. The bottom line is that even if you do make a connection with someone, you have only minutes to make a good impression. Sometimes thats hard to do in a noisy bar if you are soft-spoken like me.
And thats assuming that you talk to anyone at all. Its hardly the kind of place where a very average looking guy can have women approach him. Why would they? Whats in it for them – honestly?
Its hard to be in this position and keep a positive attitude. Its so easy to resent the single women that seem to want nothing to do with me. I avoid bars now because I know exactly how it will turn out.
Heres a typical outing:
Ill start the night with a little optimism (it will only go downhill from there). Usually, Ill be with another male friend and well order drinks at the bar. Ill sit there and try to appear cool while surveying the room, but deep down I know my anxiety is obvious to anyone that should look my way.
Forcing a smile, I try to keep up with my friend as he starts to chat up a few people. I try my best to merge into conversations and appear at least semi-normal; however, people dont seem to be interested in me as no one talks directly to me – just my friend.
As the night wears on, my accomplice has long since ditched me and Im left sitting at the bar, drinking too many beer, and observing everyone else laughing, talking and having a great time.
What an awful feeling it is to be in a crowded room of happy people and to be entirely ignored, excluded, and forgotten. Honestly, at times Ive felt alien to the entire human race.
Ive experienced this on numerous occasions so I know that it is not a one-off.
Realistically, I should really learn to cut myself a break. The bar scene is probably the worst place to be if you suffer from social anxiety. So the fact that I even gave it a chance makes me feel a little better.
But what really helps is that now I know its nothing to do with me personally. The problem lies in the way I project myself in public, how I view myself, and how I misinterpret people and situations.
The rest of the world is not inherently wicked; its the way I choose to view it.
I feel exactly the same way about bars etc. All horrible. I can also relate to that feeling, i’m also always “left out”. I’m only 20 but it still sucks. I only hope that one day i will actually have some luck!
The bar scene is not for everyone. If you want to meet women, try a co-ed activity like Volleyball or something where you come across as confident and are in your comfort zone.
I met my wife playing volleyball, one of my better sports and I have a boatload of anxiety.
I personally don’t feel that avoiding the bar scene is a bad thing. Alcohol changes people, and when you meet someone at the bar, you don’t really know who they are. I think it’s better to meet people where there’s not alcohol involved.
Anyway, dating sucks when you have the social anxiety, period. It makes it all just that much harder.
Wishing you luck and freedom from fear!
Namaste,
Lina
How I conquered agoraphobia …
automaticlifechanges.com
I hate bars. I’m a 31 year old woman, and while I’m attractive, I’m not gorgeous. I don’t get a look-in, unless men want to take me home for the night as an ‘easy’ option, ugh. I stay away from online dating for the same reason. I’m despairing of ever meeting a man – it seems that if a woman isn’t gorgeous, she has to be outgoing, or she’s regarded as someone to throw away. I’ve cut myself a break – all the rejection got me down, as I figured I’d be better off spending my time on pursuits that nurture me.
I used to feel very much the same way, but the truth is you can overcome your social anxieties. I’ve read quite a few of your articles, and while you had some really good things to say, I can see where you might be having some problem. You tend to have many self-limiting beliefs..
For instance, here are a few just from this post:
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s effective if you have the right personality and approach it in a positive way.”
“Unfortunately, unless you have something going for you (looks, confidence, winning personality), there’s not much chance that you’ll meet anyone.”
“And that’s assuming that you talk to anyone at all. It’s hardly the kind of place where a very average looking guy can have women approach him.”
The most important thing in conquering your anxiety is that you have to really want to and you must be willing to accept your faults.
I have alot of information posted on my blog, http://sociallydistressed.blogspot.com that I think you might find usefull. Also, If you have any questions, or if there’s anything you want to know more about, feel free to contact me. I’d love to share and help out.
I always thought bars and clubs were places that women go to get drunk and get picked up and laid. It’s filled with super-outgoing spontaneous party girls and guys who know how to have a good time. I read somewhere that you have to learn to have fun in the bar and club scene. It’s not for everyone. It can be a very nerve-racking environment for new comers.
This line, “The problem lies in the way I project myself in public, how I view myself, and how I misinterpret people and situations.” is true. Many people are not aware of this fact.