Is There Hope For A Shy Guy In The Dating World?
It’s obvious that social anxiety and dating don’t mix for me. However, as a social anxiety sufferer, I can’t beat myself up for feeling awkward and inadequate when it comes to romance. After all, dating is pretty high up there when it comes to the degree of social difficulty.
So, what’s the solution? In the animal kingdom, I suppose I’d just have to accept my lot in life and let the alpha males dominate the situation. Fortunately, things are a little different for us humans and there are many ways to reach a goal. You just have to think outside the box a bit – be a little unconventional. That’s what separates us from the animals, after all.
The way I see it, traditional dating methods are way too intense for me. The anxiety is overpowering even after making some significant progress with my social anxiety. That’s fine – I accept that as a temporary limitation. There’s no sense in trying to fight it head-on, wasting all that time and energy when I could be trying alternative methods that are more likely to succeed.
It’s taken me a while to develop that more mature mindset. In the past, I had a very “all or nothing” way of looking at things. If I couldn’t do things the traditional way, like most guys, it wasn’t worth trying at all. If I couldn’t approach women or sit across a table with a date and have a normal conversation, then I was a failure.
So, what options are available to a socially anxious guy in the dating world? Well, actually – lots. I found that as soon as I accepted the fact that traditional methods wouldn’t work, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. It also forced me to start thinking more creatively.
The key to my dating success came down to two words: Creating Opportunity.
10 Responses to “Is There Hope For A Shy Guy In The Dating World?”
Hi Drew,
So what is it you do to achieve success? I personally am not having much luck. I too get clingy once I like someone, as I am insecure. And I also find it difficult to sit across from someone I don’t know and make conversation. I tend to ask questions, in my desire to keep the conversation going but not feeling comfortable enough to launch into my own views. Men I like decide I’m not very interesting and stop wanting to go out with me. Unless it’s all about looks, which could also be the case. I look ordinary I have to admit. But with good qualities also
Well, I guess I will have to wait for part 2.
Take care
Hi egn,
I have had a little success compared to what I’ve experienced in the past. Basically, I just create opportunities where I’m a little more at ease and not so paralyzed with fear. I’ll try to update soon. Thanks for the comment.
Drew
Man I love your posts bro. Thank you so much for putting your life out there like that.
Hello,
I was wondering if you could give any advice regarding dating a guy with SAD(I hate that acronym!). Everytime we scheduled a date something would come up so that he had to cancel. At first I thought he had just lost interest in me. But then he kept saying how attracted to me he was, but he was so shy. So then I thought he was just playing games, but everytime I ran into him he looked so much like he wanted to talk. I would just say hello and not stop because I was convinced that he was playing some sort of game (eventhough he always looked so ernest).
The last time I saw him it broke my heart to just say hello and keep on walking. He looked so hurt and so much like he had something to say. But as I said, I was convinced he didn’t really want to date me.
The other day I came across an article about SAD, and I thought “maybe that’s what the problem is”. Because I just couldn’t reconcile his words with his behaviour. Sorry this post is so long.
What can else can we do if we can’t go out on dates?
Do you think that his SA would wain at all the more we got to know each other?
Hi Michelle,
Although I hesitate to give you any direct advice, I can tell you what my own personal experience has been.
There have been many times in my life that I have walked away from something great because I feared losing it. In the case of a relationship,I couldn’t enjoy the moment because I always feared that something would come along to mess things up. So rather than go through that pain, I wouldn’t get too close to people.
The other thing I feared was outright rejection if I said something they didn’t like.
There are many reasons why a social anxieties sufferer would behave in this manner, most of it has nothing to do with you.
I hope that helped
Drew
Thanks for the response Drew. I know you’re not a therapist and therefore are probably hesitant to give out advice on the topic. But you’ve given me food for thought regarding my conversations and interactions with him. Hopefully we can work something out.
Michelle…if you really like this guy and want to see him more…be more open. Call him on the phone and get him to at least engage in conversation which will make him more comfortable with you. When it comes to dating start with movies in your or his apt. Then on to small venues like lounges or nice bars with live music but a small crowd. Or if you live in an area with a beach..go to the beach at night and take a walk. or go to a safe park at night and take a walk. Find activities where there aren’t many people around until he is comfortable enough to relax. Do this if you are interested…You would have to initiate….. I hate to see two people who would have the potential to have a great relationship not take the next step because of SAD. I experience SA and this works for me… I am at the point where I can set this in motion for myself. Good luck!
Thanks so much for the suggestions Kitty. I do really like him. He’s a really nice guy. So far, we’ve gone to lunch and watched movies at my place. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind. It helps to hear from someone who experiences SA.
gl. im 18 and ive given up completely
Jonathan, don’t give up. There are are a lot of women out there suffering from the same loneliness that you are and would love to meet a kindred spirit.
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