Social anxiety, dating, and first impressions
There was a time in my life that I was convinced I’d never be able to attract, let alone date, a woman – any woman. I suppose a lot of that had to do with the actual effort I was putting forth, but the few times I did try to get to know someone romantically, I failed miserably. In fact, I expected to fail – I was setup for it.
While I knew that I wasn’t the greatest looking guy around, I would have still thought I’d be able to manage setting up a simple date. After all, there are a lot of average looking guys around that seem to do ok in that department. What was I missing?
Well, as it turns out, I was basically giving out negative vibes. The low opinion I had of myself along with a general lack of confidence mirrored itself to the outside world for all to see. Certainly, I had self-esteem issues and problems with confidence, but I’d always assumed that I was capable of hiding those feelings pretty well when it came down to it – I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Amazingly, through all of this, I did manage to experience some dating success. Some women actually stuck around in spite of things. Sadly, I’m sure that I missed out on a few great opportunities – and may have actually lost my chance for a serious relationship with someone special – all because they couldn’t get over those first impressions.
But, hey, that’s human nature. I don’t fault anyone for it. In fact I’m sure that I also tend to read people and make judgements quickly.
What I failed to realize was how acute our senses are when meeting people. We interpret information in many ways, and on many levels – some of which we may not even be aware of. Yet we form solid opinions based upon this intuitive, subliminal, subconscious information.
Based on this, I no longer take it personally when I am rejected by a woman (or anyone, for that matter). They can’t help the impression that is formed during the first few seconds of meeting me. Furthermore, I doubt that most of us are intentionally cruel in our evaluation of others – it’s just human nature.
One big step I’ve taken is to turn things around and instead of being resentful of women who reject me; I look at what impression I gave them to arrive at such a conclusion. I try to put myself in their shoes and imagine meeting me for the first time.
Have I had any success with changing my outward personality? Sure, but it is a long and hard road. In many ways, the positive change in my appearance is a direct result of the work I’ve been doing to improve my social anxiety problem.
Who would think that all this would be so closely intertwined?
One Response to “Social anxiety, dating, and first impressions”
Thanks for writing this.
I am typically the one who self-sabotages before I even get the chance to fail at a potential relationship with anyone (boyfriend, friend, family) and each time they show disappointment, frustration, or make jokes of how they expect me to fail, I automatically take it as validation to my inner critic–which is ever so kind. I have experienced the light bulb going off in my head to find the positives and thereby attracting it in others, and it works up until I get let down by losing the focus.
Like you, I write quite a bit about my personal experiences with life. I have only made them public on occasion, but tend to “freak” at the idea that people I know are judging me negatively behind my back. I look up to you for being so brave.
p.s. I have bookmarked you, and I hope you find the freedom you deserve.
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