Life is Not a One-way Street
“Life is not a one-way street.”
I’ve printed this sentence out and taped it to the wall beside my computer. I read it several times a day, as it reminds me of one of the most important laws of social interaction and happiness. Up until recently, I didn’t really know it even existed.
Here’s my theory on this, but keep in mind that it has no relevance to anyone but me. Well, you might find a little (a lot of) relevance to your own situation – but we’re all different.
The biggest break-though I’ve made in the past few years is realizing that I can easily affect the world around me through my own actions – both in a positive and a negative manner. Up until now, I was convinced that I was simply a victim of a cruel society and that there seemed to be some unseen force steering me towards failure, misery, loneliness, and despair. I was at the receiving end of all that crap and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why – What had I done? Sorry, that’s depressing – keep reading, it gets better.
The victim mentality is so easy to assume because it “explains” every injustice forced upon me by society. “I’m being treated like this because I am a victim and for no other reason.” “It’s not my fault because society is inherently cruel, unreasonable, and unforgiving.”
This served me well throughout my life. All the teasing I endured as a child, the loneliness, the exclusion, feeling like an alien in social situations – this was all due to the fact that society disliked me – as unfair and unreasonable as that was. Bottom line: Society had the problem, not me.
Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. Deep, deep down, I always assumed that there was something inherently distasteful about me as a person that caused my problems with other people.
Now, here is the thing: I simply took it as blind faith that I was unappealing, different, unworthy of friendship, and un-likeable. I didn’t stop to wonder why – I just was. There was no way to remedy this; it was set in stone and I had to accept my lot in life.
I’ve recently discovered that I am a little more responsible for my problems than I thought – and it’s not because I’m a loser, I’m unattractive, or some other abstract, intangible, unchangeable, negative characteristic.
It’s because of the feedback I give back to people and society. It’s the way I interact with others. It’s the image I project, the words I say (or don’t say), the facial expressions I use, the body language I use, and the vibes I give out – Nothing more – nothing less.
Hopefully that made sense. I’ll be writing much more in the coming days.
I’ve often asked myself what’s wrong with me, but really have only used the question to feel sorry for myself. I know I really do need to examine my behavior, my demeanor and how I interact with others. I imagine I do seem unfriendly and uninterested in when I’m simply afraid of other’s reactions to me. Maybe I should post that same quote in my home. SA has made me so self-centered.
But it all seems like such an uphill battle. How can I change something that seems like such an ingrained part of me? In my more optimistic moments I think if I can change just a little, I may reap enough benefits to escape a life of loneliness and depression.
I look forward to reading this blog and it gives me some guidance in taking steps forward.
The problem will always be, I cant change what people think of me. Plus the fact alot of people i genuinely hate.
Even so, i am a nice guy, its just not easy when alot of people are party addicts that need popularity to gain acceptance.
What can i do!?
Hi Drew,
Like you, I used to both blame society for rejecting me and showing no interest in me, as well as feel that i was inherently unlikeable and bad in some way. And I have learned to not do those things as much anymore, which is great.
I’m going through a period of rejection right now, which is hard. The first thing I feel when I am rejected is that of course it’s my fault, and that there is something wrong with me. And I can really spiral down from there.
To counteract, I’m writing out a list of great qualities about myself every day. Also things I am grateful for. It’s amazing how this helps. We have to boost ourselves I think, as well as trying to think more realistically about other people and act in a friendly way.
Anyway, I enjoy reading about your experiences as they are similar to mine. Cheers
Thank-you all for sharing your experiences. Until I happened upon this site, I genuinely thought I was the only one in the world that felt this way (feeling rejected by others, socially isolated); I feel comforted by the fact that others struggle with this problem as well. I am only beginning to realize I am responsible for how others see me and if I want to have meaningful friendships, I must learn more “positive ways” of behaving. This of course, is hard to do and is something I have struggled with my whole life. Kim, I know how you feel. I am always wary of initiating social interations for fear that person will reject me. But in the end, if we choose not to engage in social interaction, we are missing out a real nice part of life. Regards!