Life is Not a One-way Street
“Life is not a one-way street.”
I’ve printed this sentence out and taped it to the wall beside my computer. I read it several times a day, as it reminds me of one of the most important laws of social interaction and happiness. Up until recently, I didn’t really know it even existed.
Here’s my theory on this, but keep in mind that it has no relevance to anyone but me. Well, you might find a little (a lot of) relevance to your own situation – but we’re all different.
The biggest break-though I’ve made in the past few years is realizing that I can easily affect the world around me through my own actions – both in a positive and a negative manner. Up until now, I was convinced that I was simply a victim of a cruel society and that there seemed to be some unseen force steering me towards failure, misery, loneliness, and despair. I was at the receiving end of all that crap and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why – What had I done? Sorry, that’s depressing – keep reading, it gets better.
The victim mentality is so easy to assume because it “explains” every injustice forced upon me by society. “I’m being treated like this because I am a victim and for no other reason.” “It’s not my fault because society is inherently cruel, unreasonable, and unforgiving.”
This served me well throughout my life. All the teasing I endured as a child, the loneliness, the exclusion, feeling like an alien in social situations – this was all due to the fact that society disliked me – as unfair and unreasonable as that was. Bottom line: Society had the problem, not me.
Well, actually, that’s not entirely true. Deep, deep down, I always assumed that there was something inherently distasteful about me as a person that caused my problems with other people.
Now, here is the thing: I simply took it as blind faith that I was unappealing, different, unworthy of friendship, and un-likeable. I didn’t stop to wonder why – I just was. There was no way to remedy this; it was set in stone and I had to accept my lot in life.
I’ve recently discovered that I am a little more responsible for my problems than I thought – and it’s not because I’m a loser, I’m unattractive, or some other abstract, intangible, unchangeable, negative characteristic.
It’s because of the feedback I give back to people and society. It’s the way I interact with others. It’s the image I project, the words I say (or don’t say), the facial expressions I use, the body language I use, and the vibes I give out – Nothing more – nothing less.
Hopefully that made sense. I’ll be writing much more in the coming days.
4 Responses to “Life is Not a One-way Street”
I’ve often asked myself what’s wrong with me, but really have only used the question to feel sorry for myself. I know I really do need to examine my behavior, my demeanor and how I interact with others. I imagine I do seem unfriendly and uninterested in when I’m simply afraid of other’s reactions to me. Maybe I should post that same quote in my home. SA has made me so self-centered.
But it all seems like such an uphill battle. How can I change something that seems like such an ingrained part of me? In my more optimistic moments I think if I can change just a little, I may reap enough benefits to escape a life of loneliness and depression.
I look forward to reading this blog and it gives me some guidance in taking steps forward.
The problem will always be, I cant change what people think of me. Plus the fact alot of people i genuinely hate.
Even so, i am a nice guy, its just not easy when alot of people are party addicts that need popularity to gain acceptance.
What can i do!?
Hi Drew,
Like you, I used to both blame society for rejecting me and showing no interest in me, as well as feel that i was inherently unlikeable and bad in some way. And I have learned to not do those things as much anymore, which is great.
I’m going through a period of rejection right now, which is hard. The first thing I feel when I am rejected is that of course it’s my fault, and that there is something wrong with me. And I can really spiral down from there.
To counteract, I’m writing out a list of great qualities about myself every day. Also things I am grateful for. It’s amazing how this helps. We have to boost ourselves I think, as well as trying to think more realistically about other people and act in a friendly way.
Anyway, I enjoy reading about your experiences as they are similar to mine. Cheers
Thank-you all for sharing your experiences. Until I happened upon this site, I genuinely thought I was the only one in the world that felt this way (feeling rejected by others, socially isolated); I feel comforted by the fact that others struggle with this problem as well. I am only beginning to realize I am responsible for how others see me and if I want to have meaningful friendships, I must learn more “positive ways” of behaving. This of course, is hard to do and is something I have struggled with my whole life. Kim, I know how you feel. I am always wary of initiating social interations for fear that person will reject me. But in the end, if we choose not to engage in social interaction, we are missing out a real nice part of life. Regards!
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