Dealing With Social Anxiety Around Outgoing People
If you suffer from social anxiety, you probably don’t think much of outgoing, confident people – I know I don’t. It depresses me to be around extroverts like this. I always end up making comparisons and beating myself up because I can’t be more like them. I mean, they just seem to be having so much fun!
To be honest, I am probably more jealous than anything. Well, that, and the fact that they make me feel so inadequate.
Having said that, very few outgoing people have ever gone out of their way to make me feel bad, or to personally attack me. Well, if you don’t count the bullies from my childhood (they thrived on dominance and humiliation). Fortunately, juvenile, school-yard bully tactics are practically non-existent once you reach adulthood.
Yes, I might still hold some sort of resentment for outgoing people, but I’ve also leaned a few things now that I’m increasing my social activity a little. I’ve discovered that 99% of the negative emotions I feel while around these people are things that I’ve created on my own head. They are not real and they are based on my own negative beliefs about myself – not reality.
The bad news is that there is no easy way for me to prevent the flood of negative emotions while I’m around these people. It magnifies my social phobia symptoms like crazy. In order for me not to feel this way, I’d have to be completely cured of social anxiety – and that isn’t likely to happen soon.
Obviously, there is no quick fix for this. However, I do try to remind myself of a few things:
- Most people don’t go out of their way to hurt or humiliate others.
- Everyone is more concerned about themselves and how they are coming across.
- Outgoing people can’t help being that way. It’s like I can’t help being shy.
- People can’t see through me – even though it feels as though they can.
- No one knows what’s going on inside my head - other than me.
All in all, I’ve found that most outgoing people are decent folk, once you get to know them. In fact, I often feel more comfortable chatting with someone that is able to communicate confidently, than someone who is so shy they aren’t able to keep up their end of a conversation.. Yeah, that sounds hypocritical, but it’s a fact.
Though I avoid mingling with groups of outgoing people, I will welcome the chance to chat with someone one-on-one. Talking with an extrovert means that I am not always scrambling for something to say. I also feel less self-conscious because this person is so open. Talking with a shy person sends my imagination into overdrive. I often assume they dislike me because they are quiet and serious looking.
Here’s a thought: Is it possible that less outgoing people feel the same way about me?
2 Responses to “Dealing With Social Anxiety Around Outgoing People”
Hi. That is a great point you bring up! I think mingling with the more outgoing extroverts might be a good way of getting over my anxiety and shyness. Infact, before I started college I was worried if I was going to make new friends because I am moving to a new country blah blah But the people I started hanging around with, my clique brothers, was the most outgoing, confident cool guys you can ever meet. We weren’t always about clubbing and parties, but our circle was the one everybody would get attracted to especially the girls. Many times I felt I didn’t deserve hanging around them or in the beginning I thought they must be playing a cruel joke, but 4 years living literally like a commune and knowing so much about each other really taught me much social skills and how to operate outside my lonely shell of a world.
Now I have moved to a new city, new province (same country) and for the past few months have gone back to being in high school years. I have a job and then I go to gym and that is my life and extent of my communication with people. It is just so hard especially when there isn;t a common place where people like me meet or hang out. Now when I think about it my uni bros probably feel they never knew much about me at all because I never opened up. Fearing, they would reject me for what I was trying to leave behind. I guess its all a matter of time until I will be part of another gang, and this time I will be amongst the leaders and not just a mere silent observer.
Hi Drew,
I think there’s a difference between extroverts and ‘loud people’. I often find that people that loudly dominate the conversation in social situations intimidate me, so I find it harder and harder to say anything. However, I also find people who are simply outgoing a lot easier to talk to than many shy people. Someone who is open and accessible with social skills is just so much easier to deal with.
Of course some of my best friends are shy
Cheers,
Eileen
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