Charisma - Some Of Us Have It - Most Don’t
I was at a little get-together this weekend with some friends and family. No big deal, just the usual people plus a few I didn’t know. Nothing exciting, we usually have a BBQ, play a little Frisbee, and have a few beer.
Now, I don’t know if it’s me and the fact that I’m beginning to notice different personality types whenever I’m out in public, but it seems that lately there is a lot to watch and take in if you really look for it.
As an example:
There were two people at this barbecue that I would classify as having high self-esteem and confidence. However, the similarities ended there. One person (my cousin), is a very loud and talkative individual. Yes, he is confident and self-assured, but there are other aspects of his personality that seem to turn people off. Of course, we all get along okay because, over the years, we have become used to his overbearing personality. Actually, when you really get to know him, he’s a pretty decent sort.
The other person in question was someone whom I did not know. He was actually visiting the neighbors, and he was invited along with them.
Now, although this person exuded a very confident personality, he was entirely different than my cousin. He had a way of mingling with people that had everyone gathering around to talk to him. As he talked, he smiled and laughed freely - he seemed to have a knack for putting people at ease. I managed to talk to him for a few minutes and I could see right away why people were attracted to him.
Unlike my cousin, this individual seemed to be much more genuine, courteous, and down to earth. He had an almost humble way of communicating while at the same time you could tell that, unlike me, he was not second-guessing himself and worrying about what others thought. He was confident in the way he talked, laughed, smiled, and mingled with everyone.
What I wouldn’t give to experience that freedom for once in my life. What would it be like to mingle with people and not have the usual torrent of a negative thoughts flooding my brain and preventing me from truly connecting with others?
I came to three realizations later that day:
1. Although my cousin is considered confident and self-assured, it is apparent that his boisterous personality could be a cover-up for his low self-esteem. I have no way of proving this, and I could be way off the mark, but it would make sense. It would also explain why most people are turned off by his behavior - they just think that he is way over the top. It’s as though he’s trying too hard.
2. People are naturally attracted to genuine confidence. I’m not sure why this is, but I have seen it many, many times. However, very few people have that magic charisma.
3. I will never become one of these people because it is simply not who I am. I will likely always be second guessing myself and dealing with negative thoughts while interacting with other people. I can either torture myself for the rest of my life or accept the fact that each of us have our own unique personalities. Some of this, I believe, is hardwired into our basic functions.
4 Responses to “Charisma - Some Of Us Have It - Most Don’t”
>>I will never become one of these people because it is simply not who I am. I will likely always be second guessing myself and dealing with negative thoughts while interacting with other people.
I dunno, dude. I wouldn’t ever give up on yourself like that.
If you don’t believe that you can change (that it’s simply hard-wired) then you won’t. Words have power… which is one of the reasons you have this problem. You were programmed to think in a distorted manner, in large part, because of words. Thus, saying you can’t change is like putting some mortar on a brick and stacking the wall - only to make it harder for you to change.
You CAN change but you must use every ounce of your believing power and energy to actually help affect some this change. You need to overload yourself with positive words and postive reinforcements. Have others do this to (If you can). Stay away from “I can’t” or “I won’t” comments. That will simply seal your fate.
I first came across your blog by chance when searching for some help for my son who has always suffered from SA. I found it to be articulate and compelling; I read every entry, and then returned to reread many of them.
I’m telling you this in part because I want you to know how much I appreciate your effort and generosity in sharing your experiences. But mostly, I very much wish that you could recognize that you do have a great deal of charisma; maybe not in the face-to-face encounters that you understandably desire, but in great measure in what you write. Don’t devalue that. Many people have had a profound effect on other’s lives solely with their written words. You have a gift - celebrate!
I think you’re right. You’re never going to be as charismatic as Bill Clinton, and neither will I. About all I’d say we can shoot for is to make what we have work as best as we can.
If this means constantly trying to work around second-guessing and negative thoughts, so be it.
Self-improvement helps, but only to a certain extent. I have a graduate degree, and a job that has allowed me to purchase my own condo. I’ve been working out and running for well over a decade, so I’m in good shape. I’ve long made the effort to dress with a sense of style.
All of that has still not been anywhere near enough to put me over the top. This very moment, there’s a very attractive woman in my office building that I’m 99.9% sure I went to middle school with. I’d love to talk to her. Yet, I am absolutely paralyzed with fear….and have been paralyzed with fear over her for months and months and months. Probably even years at this point. It’s come to a head where I’m starting to feel that I just can’t take it anymore, but when push comes to shove, the fear still wins out. The fear is stronger.
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