Can I Blame Social Anxiety For My Failures in Life?
Growing up, I always imagined that I’d eventually become successful in life. Back then, I knew nothing about social anxiety. Actually, it’s only been recently that I’ve been able to fully understand why I am the way I am - and that it actually had a name.
Granted, I knew there was something different about me because I always struggled getting along with people. I knew I was shy, but I didn’t think a little “shyness” would eventually lead to the life I have now.
I really had high hopes for myself. I wanted to finish university, get an exciting, high paying job and really start living life. Little did I realize that my little “shyness” problem would ensure that I experienced nothing but failure, anxiety, and persistent hopelessness.
Even though my high school years were a nightmare, I suppose I did have an opportunity to turn things around once I completed university. However, by this time, my social phobia had evolved to the point where I, literally, couldn’t function. This was where my real struggle started.
As the years went on, I quickly realized that my life wasn’t anything close to what I’d hoped it would be. I found myself giving up a good job and becoming isolated because I couldn’t handle being around people. So, instead of making $50,000 a year, I was struggling to pull in $20,000. Instead of being able to buy a house, I moved back home and then into a small bachelor apartment.
From the time I left high school, life was just one big disappointment after another. I had no friends, no girlfriend, no social life, and I was flat broke.
Even though I’m trying to get my life back on track, in many ways that ship has sailed. As I approach my 40s, I realize that there are many things that have been taken from me by SA.
Am I using social anxiety as a scapegoat? Maybe it’s just that I’m lazy and have no ambition. Well, I thought of that and I don’t think that’s the case - I’m actually quite ambitious and I have a good work ethic - although, sometimes, I am weak-willed when it comes to fighting my social anxiety problem. I feel as though I should be tougher and that I am simply allowing this condition to ruin my life.
Unfortunately, most people are very two-dimensional when it comes to things like this. They look at my lifestyle and assume that I’m lazy and an underachiever. In some cases, I can actually feel the contempt when they start asking me how my “career” is going.
The average person has no idea how debilitating this condition can be. Somehow, we’ve all been taught that shyness is minor and something anyone can get over. It’s dismissed as an annoying negative trait and nothing more. There is no sympathy for someone that can’t get over their shyness problem – they’re simply not trying hard enough.
So here’s where the double whammy comes into effect. Not only does social anxiety suck all the fun out of life, but we’re also criticized by the rest of society for being lazy and complacent.
I want to be successful more than anything, but my fear seems a lot stronger than my ambition.
14 Responses to “Can I Blame Social Anxiety For My Failures in Life?”
i’ve been following your blog ever since you started it and i also struggle from this ridiculous mental disorder. But i’ve actually helped myself without leaving the comfort of my own home through meditation. Simply meditating will build up confidence and all you have to do is sit quietly. Seriously this has helped me a tremendous amount I can’t believe I never tried it before. I would try Zen meditation for this type of disorder but everyone’s different, do some research you have nothing to lose.
After practicing this meditation I feel more empowered and other people dont scare me as much as they used to.
also be warned that it will be hard at first but once you get the hang of it your mind will be trained to think differently, just google meditation or watch some internet videos on it.
please try this! i honestly feel for you in every way!
you’ve helped me with this blog so i’m paying back by giving you the best advice i have.
I hear you. I’m only 17, and I’ve learned what this is a year ago. Your last sentence sums up my feelings. Also, I too have close to no friends, and am scared so badly to talk to people, even though I, as a human, desire to talk to people. The primal instincts of fight or flight appear, and I lock up. I don’t want to, but it happens. There are people I’ve seen for 9 years and I’ve never talked to them, but I’ve observed to many people in my life that they’d be surprised that this “quiet” person is loud on the inside. I’m talkative around my twin brother (who also has SAD, and my family, but I freeze when around others.
I’m finally seeing a therapist about it. My mom basically acts the way you described: thinking I’m just using it as a scapegoat and I’m lazy. The problem is that I have extroverted cousins and my mom keeps on using them like they’re the golden example of who I should be. I tell her that they don’t have SAD and my mom tells me I’m just making up excuses (but the woman is scared to go on roller coasters and I tell her that’s how I feel (I’m not scared of roller coasters, she’s not scared of people… but she can get away with not riding roller coasters). I actually had to do all the research, and I had to initiate the process of getting help for SAD. Think about it. If I never learned about SAD, I would be wallowing in torment for alot longer. My dad is the one who has the gene for SAD, and my grandfather had depression, I’ve learned after asking my dad recently. Anyways, good luck with overcoming or managing your anxiety, and Godspeed.
I find your articles motivating and they remind me of things I need to remember in my own struggle; this blog is helping others and I would consider that a success.
Kim
Drew, I just read your last few entries from Aug and the latter part of July. Hey man, don’t beat yourself up too much about your SA. I have it too! I have 3 degrees and people who know me think I am a lazy SOB!!!! I’ve never been able to “get it together” and I too struggle daily with my SA! I’ve tried drugs, therapy, and lots of self-help books. I’ve likely spent thousands of dollars in trying to be “cured”! Perhaps I’ll never be cured and I have to accept that fact. You are 100% correct when you say “normal” people have no clue about how difficult it really is. I study people who “have it together” socially and marvel at their abilities. How I wish I could be that way!
Count your blessings — you seen like a really nice person, you write extremely well and seem to have a genuine interest in helping others. A lot of people read this blog and have likely benefited from it. I know it’s helped me! Stop berating yourself.
That, and keep those entries coming — I so enjoy reading them!
Kirsten
I just found your blog, and I love your writing!
All these self-help books I read make me feel really encouraged and I say to myself, tomorrow I am going to live like a normal person! But in reality that day comes and I’m too afraid to try anything different. I haven’t even told my family & friends (i’m 20) that I’ve got a social anxiety disorder, they just think i’m introverted. Then again, would that actually change anything? Adding a term to it isn’t going to make everyone understand how I feel. I’m too poor and too scared to see a CBT therapist and I don’t want to take drugs that will numb me emotionally. I have these dreams of success but I fear they will never be realised just like the goals from my past. I don’t know, can I blame it all on SA?
Michael
will anyone consider meditation as a cure? i’ve been using it lately and it has helped me in self security and understanding that people aren’t a threat but on the same level as i am. Please try it it’s definately worth it and no need to take drugs or see a therapist.
This post resonated with me quite a bit. I’m a fellow SA-sufferer, in my early 30’s and it sounds like I’m in a similar place in my life. I always return to the lazy question and the question of whether or not I’m using SA as a scapegoat. I try to tell myself these are inaccurate negative thoughts, but that doesn’t always help. I also try to tell myself that most people with SA are less lazy than the average person because we have to deal with anxiety in addition to other daily tasks. It is difficult, however, when other people attribute SA behavior to laziness or other negative things.
P.S. This is a great blog! Keep it up and keep working to overcome SA. I believe it is possible to overcome it, but it takes lots of hard work.
Thanks for this great article. Anxiety really is a hurtle for the people who suffer of this. Thank you for sharing, looking forward to more articles about anxiety.
Having read a couple of your blogs this morning, I feel I must offer some feedback. Normally I just read these things and stealthily go on my merrily way!
As obnoxious as it may seem, I would have to answer your question “Am I using social anxiety as a scapegoat?” with “Yes, you are”. Now, before I go any further I should qualify my response with the fact that I too suffer with Social Anxiety Disorder, although I only discovered it had a name this morning (I had previous considered it to be introversion).
The problem as I see it is that we focus on everything negative: what we can’t do, how we have failed to measure up. From the handful of your posts that I have read this morning, I see lots of examples of this from you. Our poor brains are overloaded with all the things that we must be fearful of in order to avoid embarrassment when our failures and shortcomings are “found out”. So we end up quitting before we begin, selecting the appropriate excuse from many that we have perfected over the years. Perhaps we subconsciously set the bar too high just to make it even more difficult. It’s not long before this spirals out of control and our lives become severely limited.
Unfortunately, we need to make mistakes and feel embarrassment to gain experience and we need experience to become confident. People are confident because they know that although a new situation may appear challenging, they have gotten themselves out of sticky situations in the past and now they have another opportunity to excel. The key, I believe, is to not dwell on the negative things and to find the positive, even if it is: “well I sure as hell won’t do it like that next time”.
It takes a lot of effort to undo years of training our brains to catalogue every negative aspect of our lives, you just need to want to do it. So my (somewhat hypocritical) advise to you would be, from now on would be to notice every little positive thing in your life and dwell on it. Don’t rely on praise from other people, they are probably having the same difficulties. This can take many forms: doing something new, taking pride in your work, saying “Hi” to a stranger, solving a puzzle, doing something faster or with more skill than last time. Revel in your achievement. It doesn’t matter if others don’t appreciate what you have done, what is important is that you think and feel to yourself “I’m a godam genius!!!”. At the same time think about how good it is to be praised and praise other people as you would be praised yourself. What goes around comes around.
In the meantime you will still have to face negativity, which will most likely come in the form of that annoying voice in your head. Don’t take it so seriously. When I am feeling doubt I like to use the mental image of me grabbing the negative thoughts out of the air, throwing them on the ground and jumping on them in the most ridiculous manner. The funny and the more ridiculous the mental images are, the more ridiculous the fear becomes.
Anyway, this all probably sounds rather cheesy and clichéd, but I believe it to be true. So this is my latest positive thing (normally I would think that people are not interested in what I have to say) and I am going to go and feel pleased with myself before tackling the day ahead. I hope that in your future blogs I will see a positive streak start to take on that negativity.
Good luck.
I relate to much that you have said, about thinking that it will eventually leave, and that once I can start from scratch somewhere else, my anxiety would disappear. I’m only 17 and yet I think there are already a few things that I have let escape out of fear. The problem with this disorder is that the key to ending it lies exactly inside what we most fear, that are the people we work with, the people in our lives. My highschool years haven’t been the most pleasent, I’ve been somewhere at the top and I’ve hit rock bottom and once you’re there it’s hard to get back up again. The worst thing about it is that it’s a cicle because if you start off, only a little afraid of a few people, they will notice that you’re weaker and they will use that to make themselves feel stronger and better, specially in highschool where everybody wants to prove themselves to their peers. And the classmates, even people that have been your friends turn on you once they see there’s nothing in it for them. Now there isn’t one single time that I don’t hesitate before I open my mouth. I’m afraid of their reaction.
After general anxiety one needs social rehabilitation, or in order to overcome it. It’s a hole diferent world you see with the eyes of anxiety. A world noone would understand or believe in if they hadn’t seen it for themselves.
I’ve had someone tell me I’m just lazy..I have SA. Of course look at it from their perspective too. There are two things that I hate about SA, one is that mental illnesses are ‘invisible’ to others. They can’t see you have SA, like you can see whether a person is blind or handicapped in a whellchair…second, you are RIGHT people just don’t know how debilitating it is because it sounds innocent enough (The label SA is misleading, it’s not a fear of being social or a fear of people as such but of their negative judgement of you), but is is not innocent…It affects you WHOLE life…everywhere you go where there are people…even walking down the street and thinking people are looking from windows and cars…it is so stressful and debilitating…and the worst is that it’s a catch22 situation i.e. in order to overcome you must BE social and expose yourself and human being are social creatures and NEED to be social and have a support group in order to survive (Third or fourth step in Maslows pyramid of needs, right?)…
Hello I read your experience abut your struggle and I absolutelly feel the same exact barriers and problems as you do. I have had social anxiety from early as primary school, which developed into depression in high school. My hopes in life have always been ambitious bu achievable, but the state i have been in was far from the person i knew i was
I only in the last 6 months diagnosed my self with social anxiety - i seriously thought there was something wrong with me and i was too lazy (as evryone wud tell me) i really need to express myself and experinces with other people who are going through the same thing. I need to get thru this!
Hi.. I’m a 12 year old girl and as you said -”Growing up, I always imagined that I’d eventually become successful in life.”
I also want to be successful in live and achieve my dreams, But i’m afraid of failing and the job i want involves being around people and i can’t even do that! I feel like that theres no hope for me. My family doesn’t exatly have feelings we never talk and ever since i found out that i had SA our family got more.. I dont even know
I can’t believe how much of how I am is written in your text. It’s exactly the same thing. I’m 18 and I also was VERY shy in highschool. And I also thought: “hey, when I get to college I’l be able to comunicate more easily, I’m sure of it”. And I struggled to go to college so I could have a better life. It turn out it wasn’t gonna be that easy.
Since highschool I’ve had strange motivation swings and about 98% of them were negative. I never had motivation to study enough and I hardly made it to college. I blame SA for this and I’m sure of it. No one I know has the slightest idea of what I’m going through. “Well, haven’t you got a girlfriend yet?” my father asks. And I almost whisper “no…”.
I’m gonna try meditation to see the results, I really want this to end, I’m lonlely and depressed.
finaly, thanks for this blog, I’m sure it will help much other people suffering of SAD like me.
thanks
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