Social Anxiety Disorder – Jealousy And Relationships
From the time I started high school (and really started getting interested in girls), I have always had a jealous streak when it came to women. Well, obviously not all, just the ones that I dated.
Actually, that’s not really true; I could get jealous of any woman I was attracted to, whether we had a relationship or not. Most times they weren’t even aware of my feelings towards them – how weird is that?
In any case, my jealous problem was responsible for about 100% of my failed relationships. It always played out the same way. Things began okay, but after a while I started becoming possessive, jealous, and paranoid.
I could actually see the changes happening right before my eyes, and I knew that once I started behaving like that, the relationship was on borrowed time – Yet I was helpless to prevent it.
I suppose it all has to do with bonding with someone. Once you create that bond, you’ve got something very precious. The stronger my feelings were towards that person, the more jealous I became. In every instance, it was only a matter of time before it slipped through my fingers. That would certainly explain why I was okay at the beginning of a relationship – I hadn’t had time to become too attached.
It’s only until recently that I feel I’ve made progress with this problem. Of course, a lot of that might have to do with maturity, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve blown a lot of good relationships because of my insecurity.
And, really, that’s what it boils down to – insecurity.
Of course, when you’re in a relationship and start acting in such a juvenile manner, it’s almost useless to try and explain the reasons behind your behaviour. It’s not like you can just tell them that you’re insecure and you have no self-esteem, therefore, that’s why you’re acting like a two year old.
Now that I’m in my late 30s and I’ve discovered exactly what’s wrong with me, I can’t help but feel sad. Who knows what great relationships I could have had? Maybe I’d be married today with kids, enjoying a normal life like every other guy my age. It’s just painful to think of all the opportunity I’ve wasted.
On the bright side, I’m still relatively young and I’m sure I’ll have many more opportunities to meet someone special. I’m at least thankful for having made improvements in the area of self-esteem and confidence. With a little more confidence I’m hoping that a lot of those insecurities will be gone.
Of course, time will tell.
Hey, I am a fellow SA sufferer. I was wondering if you have ever looked into the PUA community. That is the community of men that specifically practice social skills to be able to pick up women. I’ve done a lot of research into this and it seems to work for a lot of people and many of them are extremely shy. I’ve tried myself but haven’t exactly succeeded yet, I think I need to work out issues of depression first and then really get into it. Actually, one of the founders of this community is from Canada, his “name” is Mystery. So I just wanted to tell you about this if you don’t already know about it. They have a very unique way of talking to women that basically makes them chase after you. I think if you haven’t looked into it you should because you never know this might really work for you as I hope it will work for me. Anyways, I hope everything will be positive for you n the future.
I just stumbled across your site & wanted to say – THANK YOU! I’ve been looking for some kind of online community/blog that discusses SA. Although I’m getting better, I have experienced this same thing. I didn’t really understand that my jealousy & insecurity were a part of Social Anxiety & that my SA was obviously creating a lot of the jealousy/paranoia that ended my relationships. I realize now that if I get help for my SA, my relationships will probably last, too. Please keep writing. xo
I thought this was just me and my confidence issues and didn’t realise it was to do with SA. I’m only 18 but I recently met a fantastic guy with whom I felt a lot of ‘chemistry’, but as I was too shy to make the first move or to take him up on any of his offers for dates (for fear of appearing over-keen or desperate), we ended up only really talking online or talking about the weather when we met in person. I just couldn’t believe that any guy would be interested in me – I never had any male attention at school because I was such a wallflower. Eventually, and understandably, he began to lose interest (most likely because I didn’t seem interested) and I became anxious and sent him a stupid message blaming him for all this awkwardness. I then felt that I had to explain my SA to him…and of course only felt more pathetic and useless. Lucky for me he was really nice about it and we’ve decided to be friends, but now I’m still afraid to see him too much in case I end up looking desperate. I know I’m still young, but I think my SA is going to make it impossible for me to find someone…ever.
I’v read and watched A LOT of material on pickup. There is a lot of useful information for self-improvement in there. Things I don’t like are canned material and routines. It seems so fake. This only works on very very drunk women anyways, because most will be able to see right through your fakeness.
But there is a lot of good stuff on “natural game”, things that teach you how you should talk and when to say it using your own personality, and not ridiculous cloth and other peoples stories.
A lot of it has to do with being a very good conversationalist, being able to identify social cues, body language, having a solid personality, knowing how women think. Basically things that normal people with social lives have experience in. That’s why I think it’s important for SA sufferers to get a life first, then they can use PUA teachings to help them with women down the line.
I’ve had a problem with feeling low for a very long time since i was about 17-18 im now 22 and ive seen many doctors and have been diagnosed and medicated for almost every mental illness there is. nothing has seemed to work if anything has made me feel more depressed. I recently decided to give it one more shot. Ive noticed alot of my symtoms were found in SAD. I am going to get help soon. Every relationship ive been in since feeling this way has gone the shitter. I lost someone i really loved over my fear and anxiety. i was never shy before, when i wanted something i would damn sure get it. but now i dont even feel like the fight is worth it. and my self esteem sucks. i have to know ppl for years and spend almost everyday with them to show them who i really am. Therefore friends and relationships r non exsistant for me. I really hope i find some kind of treatment i feel like a prisoner in my own body and i dont know how much longer i can take myself. its like a road block to enjoying life whatsoever. All the friends that i have known for so long and i was comfortable with have all turned out to be pieces of shit. I dont know how i can make new ones feeling the way i do. i feel discouraged.I’ve been kicked down so many times whats the point in getting up if your gonna be on the ground the majoratiy of the time anyways. I miss the person i used to be so much. i could do anything if i could get her back.
Oh God guys, please do not use those PUA strategies. Yes, it might give you some initial success in picking up women but it won’t help you in a relationship. Not to mention, the women those strategies work on generally don’t have the skills needed to work with your SA. Yes, SA curbs your ability to get into dating but it doesn’t go away when you’re in a relationship. You want authenticity in a relationship. If you’re with the right woman, telling her why you’re having issues with jealousy will not sabotage the relationship – it will lead to mutual problem solving.