“You’ve Got Me All Wrong – Really”
It’s funny, with all the time I’ve devoted to improving my social anxiety problem over the past three years, you would think that I’d be able to handle the odd “bump in the road.” You would think that with all the progress I’ve made, it would take a major cataclysmic event to derail me. At least, that’s what I thought.
I don’t know if it’s just bad luck, but trouble seems to find me wherever I go. I always try to mind my own business and I never look for negative encounters, but somehow they always find me.
Although I’ve really been working on my social skills, I don’t get out nearly as much as an average person. Most of my social exposure consists of taking the bus to work, putting in eight hours, and then returning to the safe confines of my home.
Public places still freak me out – especially places like large department stores and malls. I honestly thought that by this time I’d be getting more comfortable with places like this. However, I still feel extremely vulnerable being surrounded by that many people. If my social anxiety is going to flare up; this is where it’s going to happen.
I was shopping at Wal-Mart a couple of days ago. Everything was pretty much uneventful even though I couldn’t shake the feeling that people were staring at me (which, of course, they weren’t).
I gathered up the few items that I needed and headed towards the new express checkouts (you have to wait in line for one of six registers to open up. When a register number flashes on the screen, the first person in line proceeds to that cashier.)
I was standing in line ahead of two gorgeous women in their 20s. As we all moved forward, I quickly found myself at the head of the line. Now, I absolutely hate this. I get the same way when I’m lined up at the bank. Because I’m the first person, I feel that I’m drawing more attention to myself.
My eyes were glued to the display that would direct me to the appropriate cash when I was rear-ended by a shopping cart. The two women behind me werent paying attention. They apologized profusely, but I kept my head down and said nothing. It didnt even hurt, really.
Most people would have probably looked back and gave them a nod (at least) or said that there was no harm done – at least acknowledge the apology they gave. But not me – nope, I just kept my head down.
What they failed to realize was that it wasnt anything personal; I just couldnt force myself to look back at them. It felt like every person in the store was staring at me. I was in the old familiar freeze state I used to get years ago.
I would have loved to have been able to look back at them confidently, give them a big friendly smile, and assure them that there was no harm done. Unfortunately, that just didnt happen.
I could feel my face getting extremely hot. Had there been a mirror around, I’m sure there would have been a crimson faced, panicky looking dude staring back at me.
So there I was, gaze locked firmly to the floor, flushed face, and what was probably a fairly anxious look. Here’s the thing: in almost every case, people misinterpret my “anxiety face the wrong way. I wish I could just tell them that, “No, I’m not mean and nasty, that’s just the way I look because of this condition.”
In any case, seconds after the incident when I failed to acknowledge their apology, I overheard them whispering to each other. I could only make out a few words, but they werent nice. I also noticed a few other people out of the corner of my eye they seem to be staring daggers at me (of course, this could have been just my overactive imagination).
Finally, I was able to walk to the cash. The cashier seemed friendly enough for a second or so, and then she seemed a bit distant all of a sudden – perhaps it was my beet-red face and nervous disposition.
At the end of the transaction, I just grabbed the bag and bolted.
To anyone looking at this display, they would have seen a miserable prick who was too nasty to even acknowledge an apology for an, admittedly, innocent mistake.
And herein lies the problem: I cant help how people interpret my expressions. I cant help that my anxiety makes me look so mean and pissed off all the time. But more importantly, there is nothing I can do to let everyone know that theyve got it all wrong – that Im really not such a bad guy.
Having said all that, Im sure that Ive been guilty of misinterpreting people in public as well.
We can only work with what we see, after all.
Do you think the attractiveness of the two women affected your response at all?
I know I find interacting with attractive women (which are seemingly everywhere since I work in a college bookstore) particularly difficult. I’ll even work to avoid cashiers I think are attractive when I’m out at the store.
I think that is a definite possibility. Attractive women always make me feel self-conscience.
Hey, just found your blog when I googled “social anxiety”. I experience many of the same kinds of things as well in social situations. This may not sound becoming, but I have overcome a lot of the public embarrassment by cultivating a superior attitude about myself. Now, I still act polite. Ha, I haven’t completely sacrificed my principles. Although, it’s made me a little sassy, which I use as a nice defense against less-than-savory encounters. So I suppose that’s really what it is… a defense. But if you play a good enough mind game, it works!
I work at a certain coffee shop, so I’m forced to interact with people all day long (socializing is actually more important to the company than coffee so you can imagine the stress), and every conversation is a challenge because I feel like everyone thinks I’m uninteresting or well… just plain lame…or mean. A lot of times, I’m so introverted that conversation is more a burden to me than pleasure and I am realizing I’m actually the one who is usually uninterested from the start. But I am noticing it is affecting my quality of life. Friends would be nice, if only I could muster the energy to endure the exhausting work of socializing. Anyway, just wanted to say I feel ya. Your insights are inspirational.
Attractive women seem to appear whenever i am feeling bad. And they never notice me, but i still get very self concious.
Women are about 80% the reason why i have social anxiety. (i don’t mean that in a nasty way, its just that so much these days is pressure to be with a partner etc)
I’m so frustrated.
I’ve been told that I am a snob because of my SA. I have never thought I was attractive AT ALL, but I have been told by close friends that my shyness and attractiveness combined gives the wrong impression, like I think I’m better than others. I must give off some kind of coldness. I can always tell when a guy has SA and it actually draws me to that person. I have to say that finding something else to focus on besides yourself helps a lot! That’s not to say people with SA are self-centered. Everytime I have a social interaction, good or bad, I replay it in my head over and over, scrutinizing everything I did or didn’t do.
I have social anxiety as well. I have to admit, attractiveness does make quite a difference – either sex. I’m 15, and my dad doesn’t seem to understand SAD and constantly questions me about why I “can’t just” do this or that. He thinks I’m weird.
Erica,
“Everytime I have a social interaction, good or bad, I replay it in my head over and over, scrutinizing everything I did or didn’t do.”
I do that as well. If nothing is there to distract me, it can last hours.
Just wanted to say I completely understand some of the comments here – a number of times I have been told I’m a snob or think I’m too good for others.. it’s pretty insane! I’m very well aware of the impression I give off but it’s very difficult to change. If only they knew…
This is a great blog and I will definitely be coming back to read more. You’ve inspired me to be more pro-active about my challenges. Keep up the fantastic work, both here and in your everyday life, and thank you for sharing.
I can definitely relate with that incident haha. Attractive women, or outgoing personable women always make me hide inside myself unless I have the most perfect amazing witty things to say. I have a really really hard time having a normal straightedge conversation with a women that I want to impress like you would with a guy. I get so anxious and nervous.
It’s like I have to be even more of a fake around women because I have a belief that you should never show weakness or let a women be cooler or dominate you or get the last word in etc. All kinds of insecure things. If I ever do I instantly feel really bad about myself. I guess this belief stems from reading a lot of pickup artist junk about never supplicating to women or let them be cooler then you or she will not be attracted to you at all.
I get extra anxious with goodlooking men.
But reading pick up artist websites makes me go lesbian lol!
Please remind yourself that not all women and men are into the alpha male ape rock stuff. I for one have a soft spot for the shy people and have a hard time dealing with loudmouths who have led themselves to believe that that is ‘confidence’. However why would you want to loudmouth yourself through social life if you would truly BE confident?
I guess I’ve fallen in the cynicism trap of misantropia, human behaviour often looks plain silly to me, I see so many contradictions. Like the cool ‘just be yourself’ vs ‘adapt’. For example the lyrics of that Avril Lavigne song, Complicated.
hmm, where have I heard this before?? I have struggled with SA since I hit puberty and I can relate. I avoid situations which should be enjoyable everyday human interactions. The art of conversation is more of a burden or felt obligation. And when I leave the situation I feel incredibly awkward and find my self criticizing every little think I said. Thinking about how I assume the person percieved me, that I sounded stupid and should have stopped while I was ahead. That constant flow of negative thoughts takes a toll on my personal life and moving forward as a young adult at the start of my life. Home is my comfort zone and I look forward to going back to my “cave” at the end of the day where I feel comfortable to actually be myself…