About me
One thing I dread is drawing attention to myself – although thats getting better. I used to hate talking about myself and I particularly hated introductions. Nothing remarkable to say, I suppose. Anyhow, Ill give it my best try.
My name is Drew. Im male, 35, and I live in the province of Ontario, Canada. I dont want to get into any real specifics about where I am from because I need complete anonymity in order to write freely.
The best way to tell you all about myself might be to list things in a brief chronological order. So, here goes:
Childhood (1970-1975)
From what I can remember, I spent most of my childhood alone, and even at that age I can remember trying to hide from people. I avoided others at all cost and was perfectly fine being on my own. I never said much and I wonder if my parents, and others, thought I was mentally handicapped at that young age.
School (1976-1983)
I was literally dragged to the first day of school – crying and in a state of pure panic. I remember standing in one corner of the classroom while everyone else was busy playing and building social skills. I honestly didnt know what to do. I didnt know how to interact with anyone.
I would spend the next 8 years being bullied, ignored, and an outcast. I was a joke and the target of most of the abuse that went on in my school. I would be beat up several times before I reached high school.
High school (1984-1990)
I really thought that high school would change my life for the better. I hoped that people would be more mature and willing to give me a chance. I hoped to have a circle of friends and *gasp* a girlfriend. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I tried my best to make up for my past. I pretended to be someone I wasnt. I faked confidence, but they could see right through me, and the abuse continued, but was less obvious. It was, for lack of a better word, more mature and sophisticated. I was a disease – a freak that had no right being a part of the high school life. People detested the fact that they had to be in my presence day after day. At least this is what I imagined they were thinking (I doubt if it was that bad, just the SA kicking in).
I still had no idea about SA; I just thought that I really must be a loser since I was reminded day-in and day-out. It got so bad that I took a year off and stayed in my room the entire time.
First job (1991-1992)
I got a job carrying bricks for a construction company. People were much more mature, and I actually got along ok with everyone. Besides, I was too tired most of the time to care about any SA symptoms.
College/University (1992-1997)
Like high school, but more mature, yet again. I was still considered a loser. It took everything I had to get through. My main problem was the oral presentations. This is my greatest achievement. I dont know how I managed, even to this day.
First career position (1998-2002)
I spent about one year looking for work after college. I was too nervous in the interviews and was politely turned down dozens of times. The interviews were too much for my SA. Finally, during an interview for a major position with a large corporation, I was given a break by one manager, and hired as a junior IT person. This lasted 4 years until I was eventually consumed by crippling anxiety and quit out of desperation. I found out about SA in 2002.
Rock bottom (2002-2004)
Back at home. No job. No friends. Suicidal. I didnt leave my mothers house for almost a year. I started seeing a psychiatrist and began taking medication.
A new job – a new life (2004-present)
I now work in a restaurant kitchen. I do food prep. I chop vegetables and rarely communicate with others. I have been off meds for almost a year. My boss knows about my condition and is fully supportive. I would be on the street if not for him. I have recently made progress on my own and hope that things will improve. In fact, I can see them improving already.
So there you have it, the resume of a social phob. Most of what I write will be about my experiences chronicled above, and how, after 30 odd years, I am finally making some progress.
Hi Drew. Coincidentally, I’m also from Ontario and I have social phobia. I want to thank you for creating this site and being so open about your experiences. I admire you for how far you’ve come. After going through so much in high school, you still managed to work up the courage to pursue your dream and attended university. And you actually stuck it out, even through those terrifying oral presentations (I also don’t know how I made it through my high school ones). I attempted to attend university last year but couldn’t even make it through frosh week. It was terrible and I felt like a complete failure. I still do most of the time, as I’m too scared to get a job. Thank you for writing about your fear of failure. It’s true that one has to make mistakes and try new things to really get the most out of life. You made me feel a lot better about dealing with this problem and gave me hope that I too can find a job. I hope each day brings you more confidence so that one day you can feel great about yourself. It’s what I want most for myself as well. Thanks again, Drew.
Hi Drew
My heart goues out to you as I grew up with the same kind of fear and anxiety that you express so openly! In the last 25 years, I have developed a method to guide people through stage fright and fear of public speking and to transform the fear into authentic presence. The most important thing I have learned is that the reason we have this terrible anxiety is because we are sensitive. We have so much passion and spiritual juice that can be used to create a powerful connection with others once we learn to use the energy positively. I have a blog called Speaking Freely that focuses on sharing what I have learned about transforming stage fright and fear of public speaking. You cna find it at http://www.self-expression.com/speaking-freely/category/stage-fright/. I would be so honored if you would look at it and consider adding it to your blogroll. Your blog is very helpful to people who are dealing with all these issues of high sensitivity. Thanks!
Hey Drew,
Your story is very compelling and hope you’re doing much better. I have a blog all about anxiety disorders and I would love to invite you to be a guest blogger.
Your intimate knowledge and experience with social anxiety would be a great contribution.
I am currently making my way around the web and trying to connect with anxiety disorder bloggers – networking I think they call it.
I hope to hear from you – hang in there.
Paul
Anxietyguru.net
Hi Drew,
I happened upon your site completely by accident and am really glad that I did! Although I don’t suffer from social anxiety, I know that your blog is a huge help to people who do. I look forward to reading more and getting a better understanding of social anxiety.
Thanks,
Lee Ann
Hi Drew,
I can so relate to you. And the weird thing is that im also from Ontario, Canada. I thought I was the only one living with this condition. But im so glad someone is out there like me. The only difference between us is that you are able to discuss about yourself online and that is something i will never do. It actually took me a while to actaully write this comment. But I do occassionally come by your website to read and it is quite interesting. Keep writing. I am afraid that i will be like you when im older. I just graduated and am afraid that if i did find a job in my field, I will end up quitting and finding a lower paying job. Anyways, its good that you found a job where your boss understands you. Its great and at least you made progress for your SA. That is something I need to work on. Anyways, thanks for making this website.
hi mate
I happened upon your site completely by accident and am really glad that I did!
its made me look at myself
shame it was to late for me and my girlfriend tho
she got her probelms to deal with aswell “commitment-phobe” but she made look at myself .then i found your blog and it help to understand myself.
i will keeping read it
and good luck mate
thanks
Simon
Hey Drew,
I dont know if i suffer from social anxiety but it sure sounds like something thats plagued me for years.
Ever since is was at school even going back as far as juniors through to primary, high school, college..all the stages of life that are supposed to help and guide you but i was always to affraid to ask for help. I dont like being the center of attention (well sometimes i do!) but i dont cope with it well..
I remember when i was younger i hated going out of the house because people would look at me, even getting on a bus and asking the driver something would make me turn bright red, i felt so stupid and worthless and it would upset me.
Ive had the same job for 8 years because im scared of getting out in world and sticking to what i know and im desperate to leave!!
Anyway i have to go…back to work!!
Francesca
Hey guys,
I just think this SA and your problems are more to do with being a highly sensitive person. Things will affect you through life but there are some things you are born with. And that is NOT social anxiety. You are not born with SA. Check Elaine Aron book on being HSP.
Drew,
I just wanted to say thanks for the courage it’s taken you to post this stuff online. What a huge help to know that others struggle and get some ideas on how to deal. You’re definitely turning something that’s been hard for you into a benefit for many.
Drew,
This is a great site. I need community of such people. Nobody understands people like us. I was 20 years depressed/suicidal as a result of my Low Self esteem which resulted from my social anxiety disorder and physical impedaments (Delayed puberty, malnutrition, skinny, sickly kid, abused by father). Everybody made fun of me, I had no friends b/c I was so shy. I never rode a bike, swam, rollerskated, iceskated, – lost out on most of my life. Virgin at 27 – yes – That sucks! I”m 32 now, and improving. I need this community, and thank you!
Hey
Stumbled upon this site by accident and i’m glad to know i’m not the only person in the world living like this. It’s terrible. I’m 26 and never had any real friends or relationships with anyone since middle school. I’m curious about the relationship with your family because I am completely detached and indifferent from anyone in my family. I quite literally never felt loved nor have I loved anyone. Wonder if it has anything to do with it.
Good luck in the future
Wow, I’m 56 years old and listening to what you have to say is like reading my diary if I had ever kept one. Basically, I am my own best friend because I am too damn scared to make friends. You already know the reasons. I am starting a new job in two weeks and I have to go through the terror of introductions when everyone is friendly on purpose … and then the eventuality of them discovering that I am not friendly .. but weird. Shit … I’m just too damn shy. I’m going to give your book a try because I hate myself on the social side of my life … because there is none. In another life 200 years ago I probably would have been a trapper because I am ok by myself and that’s the life of a trapper.
Rick
Ya know, it is really amazing when I see posts like these cause it seems that I’m the strange freak or weirdo that puts out this nervous vibe when I can tell when they are avoiding me. I think to myself, hell! where are all the people with SA, as it seems like I’m the only one when I’m out in public. I have a history that I think started back as early as kindergarten when I was afraid to raise my hand to go to the bathroom so instead I just urinated in my pants and tried to hide it so no one would notice. I’m a fairly handsome guy and people see me think that life for me is pretty together..WRONG! All you folks out there, I have experienced what you have and I hear your cries of desperation. My life is blowing by and I don’t want to suffer it alone either. Does any body know where there are support groups that you can go to in person? or good online support groups? I live in california.
Btw, I did belong to one social anxiety forum a while back but it was a younger crowd and all these guys did was complain and flame each other. I want to genuinely connect with people.
Thanks Drew for letting us post on your blog.
Tommy
Socially anxious and depressed dude checking in. I’m 29 yo and working a stressful corporate job — it’s just a matter of time until I get fired or quit voluntarily. I need to find a sustainable means of livelihood. I’ve had social anxiety since birth and developed depression around high school.
I’m really glad to hear your stories. We should all get together and form a commune.
We should live freely and openly. How’s that sound?!
Drew – I would like you to know that your site is this weeks feature on http://www.FearOfStuff.com.
I couldn’t find a contact form so I am using this to let you know about it.
http://www.fearofstuff.com/featured/shyandquiet-com/
Stumbled upon your site because I googled “foul mood” which I”m in today. Why? I’m not sure. Probably work related. Was always called “shy” as a kid. Cried a lot. Developed a sensitivity to others, call it interpersonal or emotional intelligence now. Crappy alcoholic parents/junkie sibling/depression/suicide/getoverthepastandlivetoday. Whatever. Saw a bunch of counselors, did time in a psych ward. Had a child, that made me into a fighter. Had been thinking about how I’ve avoided going to annual work party for 10 years, used to get “flushed” (red-faced), but I don’t really care anymore. Most people are so full of pretense and shite. I have a few close friends. I’d like more, but I don’t know if I’m willing try. Read “Loner’s Manifesto” (google it) and refuse to feel bad because I don’t fit in with the rest of the robots. You’re not weird if you don’t fit in with everyone else, you are you. Love yourself. God made you exactly the way you are supposed to be and h/she doesn’t make mistakes. I don’t get “flushed” anymore. I’ve found my middle finger and use it in self defense, figuratively and literally. I’d rather be at home with my dogs than with most people and their complexes. So should I take a prescription just to fit in? Tried xanax, it’s wonderful, but addictive and builds up a tolerance. Rather have an ale or glass of wine and love me for me. I truly think some people (SA) can see through the BS and can’t conform and go along with it and to that I say THANK GOD! You’re not a bloody sheep. Love yourself, stand up for yourself, don’t let the bastards get you down! Find what you’re good at and practice, practice, practice until you’ve mastered it and can get paid for it. The whole world is mad, not you! I wish someone had told me when I was 12. Read “Awareness’ by Anthony Demello.
“The Temperament God Gave You”(totally, objectively psychological, but in a Catholic context) and “The Introvert Advantage” gives you the understanding you’re not a weirdo. I can be humerous and have had some popular good acquaitences, but my meloncholic side remembers those who do not tolerate weakness, quietness, introversion, slow deliberation, performance anxiety and the low sense of self-esteem such people who have no time for those who don’t think on their feet actually create. You remember the negative remarks, because you don’t feel good about yourself and you get more of them. You wish God could take you, if you’d be going to Heaven, as suicide would surround you with more haters in Hell, unless you’ve lost too much control of yourself to think straight enough, when committing suicide. If not suicide, bitterness eats at you. It’s hard to be a good Christian and love your enemies when the stress and negativity builds up into bitterness, too gradually to notice until you’re bitter and maybe tailgating and ranting on Facebook to feel empowered and/or let off steam.
I came across your site because I’m an AVOIDANT and socially anxious person who stays away from people and places. I don’t think its a bad thing but recognize that it’s no way to get ahead in life. Problem is it just feels too late for me. I’m 50 and can’t make the kinds of changes I could have in my 20s and no opportunities for people like me in life especially when you don’t have a good enough social network. But whatever. I try to be happy and live life one day at a time and I’ve also found some good online support groups at this place: http://www.avoidantpersonality.com and have made some friends with people like myself so I’m not feeling as lonely as I could feel. Knowing there are others out here like myself has been an eye opener and at least makes me feel inspired to keep trying.
Hey Drew, I just wanted to say that I really like your site. I admire how open and honest you’ve been with your writings and it is refreshing to know that there are others who are going through this as well.
This site has helped me TREMENDOUSLY and I just wanted to say thank you.
I hope you continue your progress and wish you success as I too continue to make progress myself
Hey Drew. Just read your story, and found it heartbreaking. It’s tragic the way kids with social anxiety are treated; I can’t think of any other condition attracting so much abuse and derision. I feel for ya. I got by through faking it much of the time, but now developing a true sense of inner confidence is important to me. You might find the free course on my website helpful; I’d love to hear how it goes for you if you try it. Keep up the great blog! Graham
I have so much to say… but don’t know how
Hey i dont know what to do. My story is different to yours. At primary i was confident, i had lots of friends and my best friend gave me lots of confidence. I feel as though when im with her i have confidence but as soon as i went to high school and she went to a different school i lost all my confidence. I feel as though im a freak when people talk to me at school and i go bright red and get nervous and start shaking and sweating. Sometimes i have to walk out the school as i feel like i will faint. The strange thing is i dont mind getting up infront of the class to talk….yes i go bright red but i know people will understand. It gets worse when people comment on my nervousness,redness, shaking. School is a nightmare to me and i dont feel like anyone in my family or friends will understand. Still when im around my bestfriend i have my confidence. Im starting to get worse and feeling nervous constantly. Any advice?