Walking through the noisy, crowded living room (beer in hand), trying to appear normal, I felt like such a loser. Everyone – and I mean, everyone – seemed to be talking and laughing with someone else. Im ashamed to admit it, but I was so frustrated at that point, I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I crossed the room. I had to get away and compose myself before someone saw me. (more…)

As we entered the living/family room, my boss offered us a drink. He then looked at me and said the strangest thing:

Relax Drew, were all friends here. Youre going to have a great time.

Sort of an odd thing to say, but he does know how quiet I am most of the time. Maybe he saw something in my face that I didnt think was noticeable (fear?). Anyway, my face got a little redder after that comment. I suppose people dont mean any harm with their comments, but I tend to take things too seriously. I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. I was looking forward to a drink or two just to take the edge off. (more…)

Yeah, a sense of belonging can go a long way.

I couldnt believe how much it changed things. After all these years of facing society alone, I finally had someone in my corner. Of course, my co-workers didnt have a clue. Im sure they would have considered that awful strange.

Nevertheless, there I was, standing in the foyer, checking out the people that were already there. I didnt recognize anyone from work; most of the guests were my bosss acquaintances, I guessed. (more…)

Our company Christmas party took place a few weeks ago. I estimate that there were about 80-100 people there. Fortunately, my boss has a huge house so, although there was a large number in attendance, it wasnt crowded and you still had room to walk around.

The restaurant employs 14 people, including me, so you can assume that I didnt know everyone in attendance (ha). The rest of the party goers consisted of my co-workers spouses, my bosss family, and some of his close friends and neighbors. (more…)

As I already mentioned, my inability to communicate effectively with others in conversation is (was), in many ways, tied to my perfectionist traits. After analyzing my deepest fears, I eventually came to the conclusion that I could not tolerate partial success. I could not handle being a mediocre anything.
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Perfectionism has always been a strong personality trait of mine. This is not necessarily a good thing. Yes, it is very commendable to try and perform to the best of ones ability, but when it turns into an unhealthy obsession; its time to seriously weigh the benefits. (more…)

There is an old saying about how its not the destination that matters, but the journey along the way. No truer words have ever been spoken, in my opinion.

Ive spent a good part of my life wishing things were different. Always feeling inadequate in some way – always needing to change something – never being happy in my current situation – never appreciating the positive things I already had – unable to feel satisfied with living in the moment. In fact, I couldnt have cared less about where I was; I just knew that I needed to be somewhere else. (more…)

Success is something Ive always found elusive. Working in a hot kitchen day after day for little more than minimum wage reinforces that fact, while Im reminded of things that could have been and opportunities lost. Sure, the job is easy, and Ive become quite comfortable in my rut, but something is missing. The safe situation Ive created is a social phobs perfect solution to the anxiety of a real-world job – a real job with real pay that might allow me to move on in other aspects of my life (house, car, etc). (more…)

My long-term goal is to overcome social anxiety disorder and start living a normal life.

Well¦Duh!

Ok, an overly simplified, but true, statement. Its just too bad that getting there wasnt as simple.

The fact of the matter is that I may never reach that ideal stage – well, at least not without some kind of personality transplant. Its always good to have high hopes and even higher goals, but does that automatically make one a failure unless those goals are reached?

My all-or-nothing mindset says yes, however, Ive learned that it is possible to achieve success without absolutely owning that ultimate goal. Ive learned to accept small achievements and I can see my life improving in ways that I couldnt have imagined.

So, until I can say that Ive beaten this thing, Ill relish my accomplishments along the way. As they say, getting there is half the fun.

Here are 10 things I do to improve my quality of life while I exist (somewhat) harmoniously with social anxiety disorder: (more…)

Social anxiety disorder, for me, is a force to be reckoned with. It has dominated my life for 30+ years, and although Ive managed to develop ways to start living a somewhat normal life, I fear that it will always be there to some extent. (more…)