But the difference between these natural life moments where we all feel nervous or anxious and social anxiety disorder is as dramatic as the difference between the sniffles and pneumonia. In any of these situations we just discussed, if you take that anxiousness and amplify it by one hundred or one thousand so that the anxiety becomes so severe that it virtually paralyzes the victim, then you then have a good idea what someone suffering with social anxiety disorder goes through.

What may be the most surprising little known fact about social anxiety disorder is how little is really known about this problem. And yet the medical community tells us that it is the third most common psychological disorder. That means that there is a very good chance that you know someone with social anxiety disorder. In fact, if you suffer with symptoms of social anxiety that seem to be more severe than others face and if those symptoms are becoming a significant disruption to your life, you may be suffering from the beginnings of social anxiety disorder. If that is the case, it’s a good thing if you realize it now to take action to keep the problem from becoming so severe that it hinders your life more severely if it were to get worse.

Social anxiety disorder qualifies as a full-fledged phobia. In fact, it is often referred to as “Social Anxiety Phobia.” A phobia is a fear or a dread of a particular thing or circumstance that is so extreme that it can virtually disable the sufferer and for which there are serious physical and psychological difficulties if the sufferer is exposed to the phobia. Well known phobias are fear of heights, fear of enclosed places or even fear of going outside.

A phobia sufferer may experience nausea, excessive sweating, the inability to move and other serious physical manifestations of the phobia. This kind of “fear” is far more than just being afraid of something. Those who do not suffer with a phobia often wonder why the sufferer cannot just “snap out of it”. But a phobia such as social anxiety disorder is a serious medical condition that needs to be addressed with therapy, medication and treatment before the sufferer can live a normal life like the rest of us.

Unlike many phobias, social anxiety disorder is a crafty enemy because the things that can set off the symptoms are so diverse. A sufferer with this torturous disorder may feel symptoms set in by any social situation in which they feel they are being watched, judged or that something is expected of them. This may include conventional fears like stage fright or first day jitters at a new school or job. Or social anxiety disorder might be triggered by something as commonplace as standing in line at the grocery store, having a romantic social outing, enjoying a holiday party, being recognized to speak at school, meeting an important person at work or just about any situation that would create social pressure for the sufferer.

If you have a loved one who may be suffering from social anxiety disorder, take heart for two reasons. They are not crazy and there is help available. The same reason for hope is out there for you if your shyness or social awkwardness is beginning to reach the level of debilitating fear. The important thing is to recognize that you may be suffering with a very common psychological disorder and that you can get help it you reach out to the medical community for that aid.

In the case of this terrifying disorder, the quicker you stop it from ruining your ability to enjoy your friends, family, work and social engagements, the faster you will purge social anxiety disorder from your life. And once it is gone, the sense of joy and relief you will feel will make any work you have to go through to beat this disease to have been entirely worth it.

Yes, I know it sounds a little strange, but I’ve often encountered the same negative spiral in the game of golf. I’m not a great golfer by any stretch of the imagination. However, occasionally, I do go out with some co-workers.

From the moment I tee off at the first hole, I can predict with uncanny accuracy how the rest of my game is going to go. Keep in mind that this is all psychological, however the results are just as real as anything.

If I wind up messing up the shot at the first tee, my confidence is instantly blown away. Mentally, I will psych myself out and start playing every subsequent shot poorly. In my mind, I can already see the ball hooking, slicing, or burning through the grass. The downward spiral and runaway effect is very fast as each failure only goes to reduce my confidence and confirm the fact that I’m a lousy golfer. In the end, it’s all I can do to finish the game.

I’ve noticed the same effect in social situations. If anything happens early on to destroy my confidence (such as a rude comment or criticism), that’s pretty much it for me for that social gathering. Just as with the golf game, once my confidence is shot, nothing I do will turn the evening around.

When I’m in a mood like that, I won’t be smiling, I’ll be standoffish – I might even look like the last person you’d want to start a conversation with. In fact, I know for certain that people avoid me when I’m in this kind of funk. If I do happen to strike up a conversation with anyone, it just feels very awkward (the chemistry is missing) and I can’t help but sense that the other person simply wants to get away. Once this happens, it only reinforces the low opinion I have of myself and my confidence level sinks even further. This runaway effect happens quickly and, from my experience, there is no fix for it.

Of course, that’s just me.

I’ve often tried to duplicate my success, but to no avail. It seems that there is a lot more to creating the perfect social experience than simply convincing yourself that you’ll have a good time no matter what. In my case, I often don’t know how a particular situation is going to turn out until I’m actually in the midst of it. I’ve had encounters where I was 100% convinced that I’d make a fool of myself, only to wind up enjoying the evening and interacting at a social level that was frightening, but at the same time, invigorating and exciting.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s pretty much impossible to predict how things are going to work out. For that reason, I tend not to think about things until I’m actually faced with them. I used to allow myself to become overcome with anticipatory anxiety and worry - long before any social event.

More importantly, I’ve learned that there are many things that can influence the outcome of a particular social situation. Most of these are out of my control since much of it depends upon the actual process of socializing. In other words, the chemistry that is created between myself and others will ultimately determine my success in a given situation.

As one who suffers from social anxiety, it doesn’t take much negative chemistry to derail my plans and send me home feeling insecure, aggravated, and depressed. Often, all it takes is one person to say the wrong thing and that’s the beginning of the end for me. I’d love to be able to simply shrug things off as most folks do and carry on having a good time. However, it’s simply something that I haven’t been able to do – ever.

Some of the most socially successful people I know would never let something so small and silly get in the way of having a good time.

I know that if I could get over this, I’d be able to enjoy other people’s company much more and take full advantage of mingling and socializing. The frustrating thing is that I know I have it in me to do this, it’s just that conditions have to be perfect in order for me to have the confidence to interact on a higher social level.

So the question is: How can I simply ignore thoughtless people and their comments and carry on interacting with those who raise my confidence level and self-esteem?

Actually, I don’t really mind getting out because it gives me an opportunity to practice some of my social skills. You never really know who you’re going to meet in these places. Don’t get me wrong, I still find the experience a little uncomfortable, but nothing compared to what it used to be. There were times when I literally ran out of clothes because I was too uncomfortable to haul my butt down there. Kind of sad really.

Even to this day, the whole experience is still slightly uncomfortable. I don’t know what it is exactly.

From the moment I walk in the door, I feel as though everyone in the place is staring at me. As I load up the machines with my laundry and go through the whole routine, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being centered out.

Now, I’ve made enough improvement in the last little while to realize that this is simply in my head. In fact, I now force myself to look around casually just to see if it’s true or not. Although I sometimes get a few people staring at me, most are just reading the newspaper or staring at their clothes in the dryer. Those who are staring at me obviously don’t have much of a life and every movement I make seems to be of great interest to them. To be honest, they stare at everyone and I’ve since stopped worrying about them.

Sitting around an environment like this is really great “real-world” experience. There are so many different personalities and opportunities to try out some of my social strategies.

I would give this venue an above average rating as far as anxiety goes. The reason for this is that you’ve got a bunch of strangers sitting around waiting for their clothes to finish with nothing to do. This is probably not the ideal place to be if you suffer from social anxiety.

When I first started going there, I would make sure that I brought a couple of newspapers to bury my face in so I wouldn’t have to talk or look at anyone. However, recently, I’ve started to leave the newspaper at home and take my chances with whatever happens.

Sometimes striking up a conversation with a stranger is effortless. I think this has more to do with their personality than mine. Some people just seem so open and friendly that talking to them is a pleasure.

Quite often, though, I end up simply sitting and staring at my cloths in the machines.

One valuable lesson I’ve learned here is that the only people I am able to strike up a conversation with are those who are more outgoing and friendly. These are the people that will smile and acknowledge my presence even though they’ve never met me before. In fact, I’ve even found myself starting conversations with them - and I almost never do that.

As for the others, I’m hesitant to even look their way because they seem very serious and non-receptive to a friendly glance, smile, or a few cheerful words.

Here’s the kicker: I could easily be one of these people. They exhibit the same personality traits and serious facial expressions that I did (and still do, to some extent). I was exactly like that (standoffish, unfriendly, and sometimes mean looking). Of course, this wasn’t really who I was - social anxiety just made me look that way.

Is it possible that there could be sparkling personalities under their antisocial exterior? Perhaps all that is needed is for someone to bite the bullet and make the first move? Unfortunately, I don’t have the outgoing personality to find out - I wish I did.

I don’t know if it’s just bad luck, but trouble seems to find me wherever I go. I always try to mind my own business and I never look for negative encounters, but somehow they always find me.

Although I’ve really been working on my social skills, I don’t get out nearly as much as an average person. Most of my social exposure consists of taking the bus to work, putting in eight hours, and then returning to the safe confines of my home.

Public places still freak me out - especially places like large department stores and malls. I honestly thought that by this time I’d be getting more comfortable with places like this. However, I still feel extremely vulnerable being surrounded by that many people. If my social anxiety is going to flare up; this is where it’s going to happen.

I was shopping at Wal-Mart a couple of days ago. Everything was pretty much uneventful even though I couldn’t shake the feeling that people were staring at me (which, of course, they weren’t).

I gathered up the few items that I needed and headed towards the new express checkouts (you have to wait in line for one of six registers to open up. When a register number flashes on the screen, the first person in line proceeds to that cashier.)

I was standing in line ahead of two gorgeous women in their 20s. As we all moved forward, I quickly found myself at the head of the line. Now, I absolutely hate this. I get the same way when I’m lined up at the bank. Because I’m the first person, I feel that I’m drawing more attention to myself.

My eyes were glued to the display that would direct me to the appropriate cash when I was rear-ended by a shopping cart. The two women behind me weren’t paying attention. They apologized profusely, but I kept my head down and said nothing. It didn’t even hurt, really.

Most people would have probably looked back and gave them a nod (at least) or said that there was no harm done – at least acknowledge the apology they gave. But not me – nope, I just kept my head down.

What they failed to realize was that it wasn’t anything personal; I just couldn’t force myself to look back at them. It felt like every person in the store was staring at me. I was in the old familiar “freeze state” I used to get years ago.

I would have loved to have been able to look back at them confidently, give them a big friendly smile, and assure them that there was no harm done. Unfortunately, that just didn’t happen.

I could feel my face getting extremely hot. Had there been a mirror around, I’m sure there would have been a crimson faced, panicky looking dude staring back at me.

So there I was, gaze locked firmly to the floor, flushed face, and what was probably a fairly anxious look. Here’s the thing: in almost every case, people misinterpret my “anxiety face” the wrong way. I wish I could just tell them that, “No, I’m not mean and nasty, that’s just the way I look because of this condition.”

In any case, seconds after the incident when I failed to acknowledge their apology, I overheard them whispering to each other. I could only make out a few words, but they weren’t nice. I also noticed a few other people out of the corner of my eye they seem to be staring daggers at me (of course, this could have been just my overactive imagination).

Finally, I was able to walk to the cash. The cashier seemed friendly enough for a second or so, and then she seemed a bit distant all of a sudden - perhaps it was my beet-red face and nervous disposition.

At the end of the transaction, I just grabbed the bag and bolted.

To anyone looking at this display, they would have seen a miserable prick who was too nasty to even acknowledge an apology for an, admittedly, innocent mistake.

And herein lies the problem: I can’t help how people interpret my expressions. I can’t help that my anxiety makes me look so mean and pissed off all the time. But more importantly, there is nothing I can do to let everyone know that they’ve got it all wrong – that I’m really not such a bad guy.

Having said all that, I’m sure that I’ve been guilty of misinterpreting people in public as well.

We can only work with what we see, after all.

Actually, that’s not really true; I could get jealous of any woman I was attracted to, whether we had a relationship or not. Most times they weren’t even aware of my feelings towards them - how weird is that?

In any case, my jealous problem was responsible for about 100% of my failed relationships. It always played out the same way. Things began okay, but after a while I started becoming possessive, jealous, and paranoid.

I could actually see the changes happening right before my eyes, and I knew that once I started behaving like that, the relationship was on borrowed time – Yet I was helpless to prevent it.

I suppose it all has to do with bonding with someone. Once you create that bond, you’ve got something very precious. The stronger my feelings were towards that person, the more jealous I became. In every instance, it was only a matter of time before it slipped through my fingers. That would certainly explain why I was okay at the beginning of a relationship - I hadn’t had time to become too attached.

It’s only until recently that I feel I’ve made progress with this problem. Of course, a lot of that might have to do with maturity, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve blown a lot of good relationships because of my insecurity.

And, really, that’s what it boils down to - insecurity.

Of course, when you’re in a relationship and start acting in such a juvenile manner, it’s almost useless to try and explain the reasons behind your behaviour. It’s not like you can just tell them that you’re insecure and you have no self-esteem, therefore, that’s why you’re acting like a two year old.

Now that I’m in my late 30s and I’ve discovered exactly what’s wrong with me, I can’t help but feel sad. Who knows what great relationships I could have had? Maybe I’d be married today with kids, enjoying a normal life like every other guy my age. It’s just painful to think of all the opportunity I’ve wasted.

On the bright side, I’m still relatively young and I’m sure I’ll have many more opportunities to meet someone special. I’m at least thankful for having made improvements in the area of self-esteem and confidence. With a little more confidence I’m hoping that a lot of those insecurities will be gone.

Of course, time will tell.

Yesterday, in lieu of a traditional backyard barbecue, we decided to visit a local restaurant for dinner – all 21 of us! The whole thing was pretty uneventful except for the fact that we drew a lot of attention to ourselves when we arrived. I suppose this place hadn’t seen that many customers walking through the front door in sometime. Although I felt everyone was staring at us (about 10 other tables), it didn’t really affect me much – at least, not as much as it would have years ago.

Once we finally got all the tables together and got seated, our waitress came over and started taking our drink orders. She was around 20, very pretty, but she looked extremely nervous. As she was taking our orders, her face started turning bright red as some of my Uncles were joking around with her. Nothing really bad, of course, they just get very chatty when there is a good-looking woman around. The fact that they had almost 40 years on her didn’t matter. Anyway, all in good fun.

I also have an Aunt who has a very annoying habit – she finds it necessary to stare at everyone in public. It’s as though she has no life at all and the slightest things seem to draw her attention and amuse her. For years, I just hated this woman because she always seemed to be following me around with her stare. Many times I’ve come close to just freaking out and screaming at her, asking what the hell was she staring at?

Unfortunately, for this waitress, she seemed to attract the attention of my Aunt’s insane staring problem. The fact that she was obviously new and extremely nervous certainly didn’t help things. Throughout the entire meal, every time the waitress would come around, she would fall victim to my Aunt’s stare. To make matters worse, she also had that silly grin that made her stare seem even more sinister.

Every time the waitress stumbled on her words, or made a clumsy move serving our food, my Aunt would sit there staring as if she was being provided her own private entertainment for the evening. It got so bad that each time the waitress served our food, you could see her hand visibly shaking.

There is no doubt in my mind that this waitress could have been suffering from social anxiety. She showed all the classic symptoms. I really have to hand it to her for sticking it out, considering the circumstances. As for my Aunt, let’s just say that I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life.

What would cause a person to act like that? If only the waitress could have known that this is part of her basic personality. Anytime she’s in public, she just can’t seem to stop staring at people. If she’s standing in a supermarket lineup, she will eavesdrop on conversations that people are having – all the while staring at them like they’re all good friends. It’s just bizarre.

Unfortunately, this type of behavior isn’t limited to my Aunt. Many, many times I’ve been out in public and I’ve run into the same “personality type” standing there staring at me for no apparent reason. A few weeks ago, I was walking through a mall when the toe of my sneaker caught the floor and I stumbled a little bit. No big deal – had I noticed someone doing the same, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and I would have carried on with what I was doing.

But wouldn’t you know it, I caught the attention of this couple walking in the opposite direction. They stopped suddenly, as though they had just witnessed a horrible accident. I glanced up at them and they were looking back at me as though I was some kind of freak. At that point my face was turning red, partially from embarrassment, but mostly from anger. I made an attempt to simply stare back at them (usually this is enough to cause people to turn their gaze, but these two were unfazed). After giving me a good staring down, they looked at each other, both smirking at the same time, and they carried on walking.

I had an overpowering urge to simply start yelling at the top of my lungs asking, “What the hell is so fascinating about a person stumbling? Why don’t you people get a life?” Of course, then I would’ve really looked like I was stark raving mad.

Is this normal behavior? Are these people’s lives so dull and boring that the slightest thing amuses them? It’s one thing to casually glance at someone else in public, but another thing entirely to simply stare at someone you don’t know. In some cases, I get people staring at me when I’m doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. And this isn’t the old, “I think everyone is staring at me” syndrome brought on by my social anxiety. This is real – it’s not a figure of my imagination.

For the past few years, I’ve made a conscious effort to try to differentiate between reality and my own negative thinking. I now know that the majority of people are not singling me out, judging me, ridiculing me, or laughing at me – after all, most of us have lives of our own - really.

However, I’ve also learned that sometimes you can’t simply take things as gospel. You still have to be objective when it comes to other people. In some cases, I really am being stared at (and possibly judged and laughed at), and I’ve got to be mindful of that fact. While putting on my rose-colored glasses sounds like the ideal solution to my obsessive negative thinking, I can’t be so naïve as to not notice what is actually going on around me.

As for the waitress, I made sure that I was the last one to leave and I left her a generous tip on top of the customary 15% that was already there. I smiled and let her know that the service was fantastic and that we would be back soon. She gave me a shy smile, thanked me for the tip, and I walked out of the door feeling on top of the world.

I often wonder if there are any very successful, or famous, people that struggle with social anxiety disorder - because it seems that anyone that is in the public eye has the ability to speak relatively calmly to an audience. I know a lot of this comes with practice over the years, but even those that have become famous in a short period of time seem to handle themselves quite well.

Apparently, there are a few stars in Hollywood that have come forward and admitted that they suffer from social anxiety disorder. The only thing I can say is that, if they were truly suffering from this condition, they wouldn’t be able to do what they do.

So, does this mean that a social anxiety sufferer can never become famous? What if you were more talented than anyone else in the world in a certain area? Would you suppress your natural gift for fear of becoming famous and being shoved into the spotlight?

Imagine having a singing voice better than most of the top 40 artists and never being able to share your gift with the rest of the world. I often wonder how much natural talent is wasted because a person simply can’t handle performing in front of a crowd or being interviewed by the media. What if you knew you had a talent for running and could eventually become a world record holder in the hundred meter dash, but you chose to ignore your gift because of the attention you would bring to yourself?

To me, this only proves the far-reaching consequences that social anxiety disorder can have on people. Imagine the life you would be forfeiting and the talent you would be denying people because of this condition.

However, I’m sure that it happens all the time.

Although the majority of people don’t have a natural talent like this, social anxiety disorder can still stunt your growth in many other ways. Most notably, in your choice of career. I’m sure there are many brilliant people that have given up their dream in the corporate world (or didn’t even get started) because they couldn’t handle participating in meetings, doing presentations, or giving speeches. Does that mean that they are any less qualified than their peers who don’t struggle with this problem?

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a lot of talent that the world never gets to see because of this condition. I’m sure that there is not one person who suffers from social anxiety disorder that can’t relate to this in one way or another.

That’s why it just kills me when people dismiss social anxiety as just a little shyness. This condition is life changing and life limiting – and there is nothing trivial about that.

Granted, I knew there was something different about me because I always struggled getting along with people. I knew I was shy, but I didn’t think a little “shyness” would eventually lead to the life I have now.

I really had high hopes for myself. I wanted to finish university, get an exciting, high paying job and really start living life. Little did I realize that my little “shyness” problem would ensure that I experienced nothing but failure, anxiety, and persistent hopelessness.

Even though my high school years were a nightmare, I suppose I did have an opportunity to turn things around once I completed university. However, by this time, my social phobia had evolved to the point where I, literally, couldn’t function. This was where my real struggle started.

As the years went on, I quickly realized that my life wasn’t anything close to what I’d hoped it would be. I found myself giving up a good job and becoming isolated because I couldn’t handle being around people. So, instead of making $50,000 a year, I was struggling to pull in $20,000. Instead of being able to buy a house, I moved back home and then into a small bachelor apartment.

From the time I left high school, life was just one big disappointment after another. I had no friends, no girlfriend, no social life, and I was flat broke.

Even though I’m trying to get my life back on track, in many ways that ship has sailed. As I approach my 40s, I realize that there are many things that have been taken from me by SA.

Am I using social anxiety as a scapegoat? Maybe it’s just that I’m lazy and have no ambition. Well, I thought of that and I don’t think that’s the case - I’m actually quite ambitious and I have a good work ethic - although, sometimes, I am weak-willed when it comes to fighting my social anxiety problem. I feel as though I should be tougher and that I am simply allowing this condition to ruin my life.

Unfortunately, most people are very two-dimensional when it comes to things like this. They look at my lifestyle and assume that I’m lazy and an underachiever. In some cases, I can actually feel the contempt when they start asking me how my “career” is going.

The average person has no idea how debilitating this condition can be. Somehow, we’ve all been taught that shyness is minor and something anyone can get over. It’s dismissed as an annoying negative trait and nothing more. There is no sympathy for someone that can’t get over their shyness problem – they’re simply not trying hard enough.

So here’s where the double whammy comes into effect. Not only does social anxiety suck all the fun out of life, but we’re also criticized by the rest of society for being lazy and complacent.

I want to be successful more than anything, but my fear seems a lot stronger than my ambition.

I’ve always been very interested in self-help books. You might even say I’m a little addicted to them. One thing I’ve become very interested in lately is the notion that what you think will become your reality. In other words, if you believe you are inferior to others, that will become your reality, and others will begin to see you in exactly this way.

If you feel inferior around other people, you will begin to be viewed as exactly that – Inferior. If you think you are ugly, you will begin to influence other people into believing you are ugly also. The same goes for any negative trait.

If you feel like a failure, you will fail. If you believe you are doomed to a life of disappointment and scarcity, you will remain stuck in that exact situation.

I consider myself a pretty logical person and theories like this, in my view, don’t really have enough real evidence behind them. I mean, how is it possible that I can think myself into the situations I most want to avoid? How can I physically influence someone else’s thoughts by my own negative thoughts?

My immediate reaction to this was that I created this reality by misinterpreting signals from other people. In other words, if I felt ugly, I would interpret the feedback I got from other people in a negative way – I would sense that they thought I was ugly also (when, in fact, they didn’t). Of course, this would only be in my own mind.

However, over the past few years, I’m not so sure that it’s as black and white as that. I’ve been very careful to be as perceptive as possible while I’m out in public. In almost every case, when I am feeling substandard in some way, I am treated differently by everyone I come into contact with. I don’t know if this has more to do with my facial expressions and general “look,” but I definitely notice a difference.

If I’m feeling attractive and I’m talking to a woman, I almost always feel that they are attracted to me by what they say and their body language. This isn’t my imagination, I’ve experienced it many times. Conversely, if my self-image is down in the dumps and I’m feeling unattractive, I don’t feel that they are attracted to me at all. In fact, I feel as though they are repulsed by me and are looking for an excuse to break away.

Is this my imagination? Is my interpretation system out of whack? Or am I actually affecting how people view me? Are women less attracted to me because I feel less attractive?

All of this seems pretty far-fetched, but there is definitely something going on on a whole other level. I just wish I knew what it was.